In The Hall. With The Revolver. Now I'm Going Home And Sleep With My Wife.

A continuation on a theme, here's more about Clue! And also about Gogol Bordello. Because I have a serious disorder called "one track mind." Or "two track mind." Or "obsessive fangirlism." Or something.
Basically, I had a dream last night that I was in a foreign country (I don't know which one) but had lost the key to my hotel room and was wandering the city. There was a cathedral where a wedding / production of Oliver was going on. (The wedding involved either David Schwimmer or one of my cousins.) I didn't go in but I was hanging out on the cathedral steps with a girl wearing a prom dress and really thick glasses and Eugene Hutz, who was taking care of an abandoned baby he found. He was playing Beatles songs to her. It was cute.
Anyway, eventually the conversation turned to board games and I was explaining to Eugene and Prom Dress about Killer Clue, but I was doing a really poor job of it because Killer Clue is a variation on the rules invented by my friend Kristin and I've never actually played it, she's just told me about it.
I woke up mid-explanation and, to make a long story short (too late) I have a brilliant idea: Gogol Bordello Clue!
The characters were easy (Eugene, Sergey, Yuri, Elizabeth, etc.) as were the "rooms" (replaced with places they're from / have lived: New York, Ukraine, Russia, Brazil, Scotland, etc.) but I'm having trouble with the weapons and the plot.
Plotwise, I don't want to kill anybody off. Although my friend Alisa pointed out "if you're serious, people gotta die" and it's not like anybody's dying for real. It's just a board game.
She also suggested instruments as weapons, which is a pretty good idea. I was trying to mine song lyrics for ideas but only came up with one. There are definitely enough instruments in the band to take over the parts of the weapons and I'll probably end up doing that, but I am a little bummed to lose the trans-Siberian sex toy weapon.
Maybe I'll do a mix. (If I can come up with any others from lyrics; the only othe object I can think of off the top of my head is "something" that they mention in Sally (that song's named like my name!) and I guess that's a little too vague to make a piece out of.)
The point is ... I don't know what the point is. I'm really liking this make-my-own-variations-of-Clue idea and am probably going to run with it. As long as I don't mass produce them or sell them for profit, that's not a crime, right?



Be seeing you.
-Sally

But If You Want To Know Who Killed Mister Boddy, I Did.

It's no surprise to anyone that Clue is one of my absolute favorite movies of all time ever. I'm not exactly what you would call happy at the idea of a remake (which has been floating around for about five years now), although I'd probably be okay with it if they let me cast it.
But I'm not here to talk about any of that. I'm here to talk about how my love of (obsession with, whatever) the movie version of Clue has spilled over into a fascination with the board game. Never mind that I'm honestly pretty bad at it. It reminds me of the movie and, more than that, I love the layout of the board and the little weapon pieces. I love the pictures on the cards (of the people and the weapons, anyway; the room cards are always a little boring).
The past couple of days I have been looking on Ebay, Wikipedia and Amazon trying to put together the most cohesive list I can of all the different American versions of Clue (as well as select versions of Cluedo that aren't made in the US).
And this is what I've come up with:

Clue 1949
Clue 1963
Clue 1972 (the one I grew up with and the only edition I know of that uses photos instead of drawings; my favorite edition)
Clue 1986
Clue 1998
Clue 2002
Clue 2008 (AKA Clue Discover The Secrets) (I was really against this version when it was invented because they turned all the characters into, like, a rapper and a pop star and a movie star and added weapons (and made the rooms stupid, like, a spa and stuff) but then I saw that one of the new weapons was an axe and suddenly I didn't have a problem with it anymore)

Clue Bookshelf Edition (there are actually at least two or three different bookshelf editions; pictured is the one that I have a copy of)
Clue Limited Gift Edition 1997 (no idea what the actual gameboard and pieces look like; I've only ever been able to find pictures of the tin it comes in)
Clue Luxury Edition by Brookstone (I don't even want to think about how much it must cost but damn it's beautiful)
Clue 50th Anniversary

Clue books (Who Killed Mr. Boddy?; The Secret Secret Passage; The Case Of The Invisible Cat; Mystery At The Masked Ball; Midnight Phone Calls; Booby Trapped; The Picture Perfect Crime; The Clue In The Shadows; Mystery In The Moonlight; The Screaming Skeleton; Death By Candlelight; The Haunted Gargoyle; The Revenge Of The Mummy; The Dangerous Diamond; The Vanishing Vampire; Danger After Dark; The Clue In The Crystal Ball; Footprints In The Fog)

Clue mystery puzzles (A Merry Little Murder; Death In The First Edition; Death On Safari; Framed For Murder; Garden Of Evil; Killer On Board; Killers In The Kitchen; Six Cases Of Murder; Sounds Like A Robbery; The Color Of Murder; The Masquerade Murder; To Kill A Dying Man)

Clue (Nintendo DS game)
Clue (Sega Genesis game)
Clue (Super Nintendo Entertainment System game) (looks the same as the Sega version; hmmm...)
Clue Classic (PC game)
Clue Murder At Boddy Mansion (PC game)

Clue Mystery At Sea card game (I got this one for Christmas a couple years ago and still have yet to play it. I think it's because I never have more than one other person to play games with)
Clue Mystery Beyond The Mansion card game

Clue VCR Mystery Game (we used to have this one but got rid of it 'cause it was kind of impossible to play. If I do succeed in my goal of collecting all of these I guess I'll have to get it again.)
Clue II Murder In Disguise VCR Mystery Game
Clue DVD Game

Clue Little Detective
Clue Jr. The Case Of The Hidden Toys (I found two different box arts for this one; don't know if they're different on the inside or not)
Clue Jr. The Case Of The Missing Cake
Clue Jr. The Case Of The Missing Glasses (this one looks like it might actually be a book of some kind)
Clue Jr. The Case Of The Missing Pet (I have this one; when I was little I thought Georgie Green looked like an asshole. ... Actually, I still think that)
Clue Jr. The Case Of The Missing Prizes (AKA Clue Carnival)
Clue Jr. Travel Edition
Spongebob Squarepants Clue Jr.

Clue Elimination (I ... I can't even ... words. Nerf Clue? Is that what this is?)
Clue Express
Clue FX (one of thos talking board games that were so popular in the 1990s)
Clue Master Detective (I first read about this in a Games Magazine when I was eight or nine; that little review of it was probably what really started me on this "collect every version of Clue" mindset. I looked for it for over a decade before I finally got a copy. But it's mine now! Hooray!)
Clue Mysteries
Clue Secrets And Spies (my nickname for it is Clue Big, Dumb Departure; it looks less like Clue and more like Scotland Yard, which is a game that I hate because it is stressful)
Clue Secrets In Paris (the teen version of the 2008 update; if I may dust off an old chestnut, gag me with a spoon)
Clue Suspect (and, just to confuse people, there's also)
Clue Suspects
Clue The Great Museum Caper (I have this one and I remember really loving it even though, in retrospect, it's also a lot like Scotland Yard. I also tended to play with this one alone a lot. In fact, I played most board games alone when I was a kid. I didn't have a lot of friends.)
Clue Travel Edition

Cluedo Party (I think this is one of those How To Host A Murder type games)
Cluedo Passport To Murder
Cluedo Super Sleuth
Super Cluedo Challenge (I don't really know what this is or how it's different from other Cluedos; I must have read something about it that made me think it was enough of a variation for me to add it to my list, though)
London Cluedo (apparently they're planning a series of specific-place themed Cluedos; this is the first)
Sherlock Cluedo (ewww, they put Irene Adler in it?! I guess that's one way to make me pick someone other than Miss Scarlett.)

Alfred Hitchcock Clue
Dungeons And Dragons Clue
Family Guy Clue (oh, that's stupid. Peter's the only one who has any reason to kill the giant chicken.)
Harry Potter Clue (I've actually seen two of these; Harry Potter Edition and World Of Harry Potter, which is what's in the picture I linked to)
Juicy Couture Clue (based on the summary I read, the plot of the game is you're figuring out who stole what piece of clothing before the big fashion show; I much prefer you're trying to figure out who killed Mister Juicy with which piece of clothing, therefore ruining his big fashion show. Take that, Mr. Juicy!)
Scooby Doo Clue (I guess technically it's called Scooby Doo Where Are You Clue but that's just a dumb name)
Seinfeld Clue
The Haunted Mansion Clue (I own this one; it combines Clue with one of my other ridiculous obsessions, The Haunted Mansion. The creepyass bride ghost is even represented. When in doubt, accuse Blue Donald!)
The Office Clue (I hate The Office. Like, I really hate The Office. Like, I really hate The Office. This edition is the one that made me think "Maybe I don't need every edition of Clue." I'll probably end up getting it eventually but it's the one I'm least concerned about / interested in.)
The Simpsons Clue (have this one. Love this one.)
The Twilight Zone Tower Of Terror Clue (of the ones I really, really want, this one seems to be the rarest and most expensive. Damn it.)
24 Clue

And, just for fun, some games that came up that are not clue games, but games that I feel are related to Clue in some way or another:

Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone Mystery AtHogwarts Game (a direct ripoff of Clue that we used to have but don't think we do anymore. I'm pretty much okay with that but I may get it again someday)
Kill Doctor Lucky (I. Love. This. Game. Someday it will be mine.)
Mystery Mansion (we used to have this game and I absolutely loved it. It's actually nothing like Clue the game but when I was little it reminded me a lot of Clue the movie.)
Mystery Museum: The Biblical Artifacts Detective Game (another direct ripoff; this one has a religious spin. I've never played it. In fact, I never even heard of it before yesterday.)
Orient Express (another one I'd never heard of before yesterday; I know nothing about it.)
13 Dead End Drive (Another one that reminds me more of Clue the movie than Clue the board game. I have this game, I love this game, but I think it's kind of more fun to play with like it's a morbid, booby trapped dollhouse. Like I said, I played most board games by myself when I was a kid and this was one of my favorites. The most fun thing to do is put the cat on the top of the stairs and then spring the trap so she goes flying as far across the room as you can get her to go. It's always funny, and for some reason it's always more funny with the cat than any of the people. They revamped this game as 1313 Dead End Drive, which I've never played but it looks stupid.)
Whodunit (yet another one I only heard of yesterday and really know nothing about.)

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Someday We're Going To Start Mocking You Right Back

Last night my friend and I went to go see Mama and, in the lobby of the theater, ran into another one of our friends and her family. When my friend’s dad asked what we were seeing and I told him, he made a face and said sarcastically “Well, have fun with that.” I think he thought he was being funny but my feelings were hurt.
(We ended up not seeing the movie anyway because the audience was too full and I knew people were going to talk through the whole thing, which I fucking hate. If you went to see a play and someone talked through it they’d be kicked out but for some reason people don’t need to be polite at the movies. It disgusts me.)
The point is, I didn’t mock the fact that my friend’s parents go see every movie that’s nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, regardless of whether they would have wanted to see the movie if it weren’t nominated. I think that’s a stupid thing to do (I used to work at the library and there were all these ladies who worked there who would rent movies saying “I didn’t want to see this but it was nominated for an Oscar,” then return it the next day complaining about how much they hated it; why’d you rent it in the first place, then? Just ’cause something was nominated doesn’t mean you’ll like it, especially if you could already tell you wouldn’t!!) but I wouldn’t have mocked them to their face for seeing Zero Dark Thirty even though I think it looks like a shitty movie. So why should he get a free pass to mock my taste in movies?
The answer is: “because horror is a lesser genre.” Never mind that it’s been a hugely popular genre in the United States since about 1931 (when Dracula and Frankenstein were both huge hits). People seem to have the attitude that it’s okay for them to mock horror films because they look down upon them. I don’t understand it.
There’s a book (I don’t remember who it’s by) called 150 Movies You Should Die Before You See. The title alone is enough to piss me off (who are you to say what I shouldn’t watch?) but I was glancing through it just to be sure I didn’t like it and, sure enough, it was filled with horror movies. And not the lousy ones, but things like Suspiria, Deep Red, The Black Cat, Re-Animator and Cemetery Man (some of the most well-reviewed and highly respected movies in the genre). The author clearly didn’t bother to do any research; he just figured “Oh, it’s a horror movie, therefore it must be terrible,” and threw it into his Book Of Negativity.
And probably tried to play it off as “I was just trying to be funny,” just like my friend’s dad did.
It isn’t funny. It’s hurtful and rude.

What Oddfellows Those Tomahawk Are

Oh my god, I never thought I'd see something like this again:



A regular ol' rock video by a rock band!
(Okay, I guess now that I think about it that's basically what Chicken Walk by Don Juan Y Los Blancos is, too, but for some reason I feel like that doesn't count.)
Seriously, I love this video more than my initial reaction thought I did. Nothing happens in it, it's just shots of the band playing. At first glance it's not all that interesting.
But:
1) the video does its job in selling me the song; I cannot get the fuckin' thing out of my head. The whole point of music videos is to showcase a band's songs (the singles, as they were called back in my day). Stone Letter rocks and I wish I was listening to it right now.
2) Tomahawk is a band comprised of old rock dudes; Duane Denison, Mike Patton, Trevor Dunn and John Stanier are all old pros who were in other bands before this one. It only makes sense that their music video would be somewhat reminiscent of the 1990s when they were all young turks and music videos actually meant something to people. And back then there were a lot of videos that basically just showed the band performing. And I was never bored then so why should I be now?
The problem is, I made the mistake of reading the Youtube comments under this video (I know it's my own fault) but there seemed to be only two types of comments on this video:
1) people (probably guys) complaining that they don't like Tomahawk and saying things like "not a real Patton band"
2) people (probably chicks) complaining because they don't think Mike Patton is hot anymore.
To the first genre of comment, I say that, no, you're wrong, it actually is a Mike Patton band, seeing as he's the singer and all. It's not his brainchild, Duane Denison is the one in charge, but Mike Patton has been the lead singer for four albums now so I think it's safe to say that it actually is a Patton band.
I discovered years ago that Mike Patton fans are, to put it politely, a little off. It's fine if you don't like every single thing the man's done (I know I don't) but a remarkable amount of Patton fans that I've encountered seem to be in a constant game of One Upsmanship with everyone else, trying to prove that they're the biggest Mike Patton fan. In and of itself that's annoying but what makes it even more irksome is when they try to prove they're the biggest fan by claiming they only like one or two of his bands. Like, clearly they win at fandom because they only like Mr. Bungle and Fantomas, only idiots listen to something as "normal" sounding as Tomahawk.
That's faulty logic. Clearly Mike Patton believes their music is good enough that he not only put Tomahawk on his label but he signed on to be their singer. He doesn't look down on them for being good old fashioned rock music. It's fine if you don't like Tomahawk but don't act like you're better than me because you don't like them. That's not going to work.
To be honest, if I had to rank the bands Mike Patton's been in, Tomahawk might be in my number two spot. ... Yeah, it would. Let's see, it'd go:
1) Mr. Bungle
2) Tomahawk
3) Faith No More
4) Lovage
5) Mondo Cane
6) Peeping Tom
7) Fantomas (though if we're ranking live bands they'd be closer to the top)
8) Patton and Rahzel / General Patton Vs. The X-Ecutioners (I always lump them together for some reason)
9) Hemophiliac / Maldoror (I always lump them together, too)
That's how I'm feeling right now, anyway. I suppose it's always fluctuating.
The point is, I don't think badmouthing some of the projects the man's been involved with makes you the biggest fan. (I do have to say, though, I met some really, really nice Mike Patton fans when I went to see Faith No More a few years ago. It gave me hope that not all his fans are jerks.)
And as for the whole "he's not hot anymore" thing, I just flat out disagree. He's a gained a litte weight and his hair's going gray at the temples. I honestly think that makes him way more attractive but that's just my personal opinion. His face is still the same, he's still as handsome as ever. And, come on, he's turning forty five this month. Do you really expect him to look the same now as he did back when he was in Faith No More (the first time around, not the reunion tour)?! Twenty years have passed. If he looked the same now as he did then, that would just be creepy.
Oddfellows by Tomahawk comes out January 29! I'd buy it if I were me.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

"Hey, Teddy, Wanna Be On A TV Show With Us?" "Eeeee!"

Ladies and gentlemen, episode one of LearningTown, featuring my second-favorite living comedian, Mike Phirman!!
(And starring Paul And Storm, who are also talented and funny)



Be seeing you.
-Sally

Cary Elwes, No!

I was reading about this year's Razzie nominations (the only awards ceremony I would watch if they televised it, which they don't) and ran across something called The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure or something like that. And I thought "What the fuck is that?" So I went on Youtube and looked up the trailer...



...and my brain froze. And then it went into a confused angrish ramble that I wish I could copy onto this blog, but I don't know how to spell any angrish words.
It translated to, roughly: "What? What? What is this? Why is this? Is this a real thing? This is a fake trailer. This has to be a fake trailer. How did they get real people to - Chazz Palminteri?? Cary Elwes??? How? What!? Why?!?"
The problem is, now I'm obsessed. I'm going to have to see it. Because, seriously, what the fuck is this fucking thing?!
I'm scared.
To make myself feel better, let's enjoy some of the pictures I gathered from Tumblr last night before my computer froze up...
Except for some reason it's refusing to let me upload pictures from my computer. It just sits there and tells me I can upload pictures but doesn't give me a "browse" option and then it laughs at me when I get annoyed and confused like the ape creature I am.
Fuck.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Looks Like I Shant Be Sleeping Tonight

Last time I hung out with my friend Michelle she showed me that website Tumblr that people tend to not shut up about. I had never seen it before. And ever since that night I'd been deliberately avoiding it because I knew it was an abyss from which I could never escape.
Except tonight I was trying to keep my mind off the fact that my friend totally flaked on me (ironically, earlier today he was complaining about other people flaking on him) because I don't want to sit around being sad.
What keeps me from being sad? Eugene Hutz of course! So I have spent, so far, one hour scrolling through Tumblr, after typing "Eugene Hutz" in the searchbar.
I don't want to sit around being sad but apparently I have no problem sitting around being pathetic.
A lot of people on Tumblr seem really fixated on Everything Is Illuminated which I don't really get; yeah, it's a better movie than Filth And Wisdom but he just doesn't look right cleanshaven.
(Okay, I guess that's a little unfair. I watch Everything Is Illuminated more often than I'm willing to admit and way more often than I watch Filth And Wisdom. He's dreamy with or without the mustache. But if someone put a gun to my head and demanded I made a bunch of animated GIFs from either that or Filth And Wisdom, I'd pick Filth And Wisdom because, while it may be a terrible movie, he's just so damn gorgeous in it.)
On the other hand, a few people on Tumblr somehow have access to pictures of Eugene from his modeling days, which are fascinating. Makes me want to go buy up late '90s fashion magazines (I assume that's when the pictures are from? I could be wrong. Early 2000s, maybe?) in the hopes that I'll run across him.
... I'm still bummed my friend never got back to me about hanging out. We had plans, dude. Every time we have plans, he flakes out on me. I should never believe him when he says he'd like to hang out later.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Our Little Blancos Are All Grown Up! *Sniff*

My friend is in a band called Don Juan Y Los Blancos. They rock.
They also recently got back from a tour, mainly of the northwest United States (they played in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver Canada and Portland again). And then yesterday, their bassist released their newest video, compiled of footage taken while on tour.



I like this band. I know I'm biased and all 'cause I have a friend in the band (and everyone else in the group is a friendly acquaintence; they've all been nothing but nice to me) but I'm certain that if I didn't know Dan and just happened to hear them somewhere, I'd still really like them.
(I also don't think I ever would have heard of them if I didn't know someone in the band because I no longer remember how to discover new music. It's kind of sad, really. I miss exciting new musical discoveries.)
The sad thing is, I've never heard their first album 'cause they recorded it before my friend joined the band and I really need to get it at some point because my favorite Don Juan song is actually on that album. They play it live sometimes and it gets stuck in my head a lot and I don't have any access to a decent recording. 'Cause this



isn't really cutting it.
To make a long story short (too late) if you have the chance, please support Don Juan Y Los Blancos. They're really good. They deserve to get to go on more tours.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

A Whole Town Of Learning

When I started this blog, it was on the suggestion of a friend with whom I liked to share odd music videos. Eventually, though, the well of music videos dried up somehow (on the internet? Preposterous! Maybe I'm just not as easily amused. Or, more likely, I just stopped looking around for such cool things) and the blog devolved into an online diary; not quite as explicit or pathetic as my actual diary, but pretty close.
Anyway, in the spirit of days past, I share with you a video:



It's a commercial for an upcoming web show called Learning Town. I don't know much about it other than that it stars Paul And Storm, who are funny, and apparently my friend, buddy and pal Mike Phirman is also going to be in it, and he's funny, too.
Also, it premieres on his birthday.
I plan on watching it. Maybe you should, as well.

Be seeing you.
-Sally