Goals For Next Year

I've been against the idea of making New Years Resolutions since at least high school because the concept seems automatic and hollow to me. People make them without taking them seriously or following through on them. They just say "This is my New Years Resolution," announce it to anyone who will listen for about a week and then drop the whole thing like a fifty pound slime bug that's on fire.
However, I am sick of being in a sadness rut and am going to do what I can to pull myself out of it at long last.
Therefore, my goals for 2013 are as follows:

- get a job (I applied for the circulation page job that I used to do at the library and am hoping like crazy that they hire me; it's the best job I ever had, even though it is only part time)
- shave my head (I've had this plan for a while now where I want to shave my head completely bald and wear costumey wigs every day. Or just go around in my scalp; it depends on how cute my head is)
- find myelf a boyfriend (which makes me sound like every fifteen year old girl on the planet (except the gay ones, I guess; they probably don't want boyfriends) but I am lonely and it's getting more and more difficult and sad to be perpetually single as time goes on)
- get at least one tattoo (more, if possible)
- go to Disneyland at least once (more, if possible)
- write every day (this one is always more difficult than it sounds but I joined a writer's group that my friend put together and I think that might help)
- start walking more (I miss it, it might get me into better shape and I like having the time to listen to music)
- eat everything I possibly can (foods I've never tried, foods I know I love, pretentious fancy food, lousy processed food, absolutely anything that sounds delicious or like a dare, I want to eat all of it)
- take a trip (I want to visit Portmeirion in Wales, go on a Scottish castle tour, have a Guinness in Ireland and see a concert at some divey punk club in London. And possibly take a jaunt over to Disneyland Paris, but maybe not)
- move to Vermont (my plan is to use whatever money is leftover from my trip (if there is any) toward a place to live in Vermont but I may be too much of a coward to just pick up and move all the way across the country from everybody I know; on the other hand, maybe I need to do something drastic like that)
- learn to cook (I've been collecting recipes)
- get a good quality bowler hat (they look cute on me)
- go to as many concerts as possible (I've gotten a head start on this one, sort of; I have tickets to see Tomahawk in February)
- have laser hair removal (I have this nasty chick whisker thing going on that I would really like to stop once and for all; and now I've gone and announced it to the entire internet and am embarrassed. Thank goodness no one reads this stuff)

Be seeing you.
-Sally

A Whole Bunch Of Top Five Lists

I got distracted while writing that post title and if I hadn't caught myself right now you'd be reading an entry called "A Whole Bunch Of Tits." Which might make my readership go up but in a misleading way and I don't do that anymore.
Basically, I have gathered a bunch of topics for lists because it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing. Restricting myself to five entries per topic guarantees I'm going to be leaving out things I really love, which will frustrate me to no end. But I have to stick with my own parameters. Them's the rules.
So, without further ado, here are My Top Five Favorite:

Actors
5) Bill Moseley
4) Rob Paulsen
3) Patrick McGoohan
2) Robert Englund
1) Gary Oldman

Actresses
5) Sigourney Weaver
4) Jodie Foster
3) Jamie Lee Curtis
2) Naomie Harris
1) Angela Lansbury

Albums
5) Lil' Beethoven by Sparks
4) Gorilla by The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band
3) The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part One) by Mike Phirman
2) The Else by They Might Be Giants
1) Trans-Continental Hustle by Gogol Bordello

Animaniacs Songs
5) What I Ponder When I Am Afraid
4) The Monkey Song
3) Yakko's Universe
2) The Ballad Of Magellan
1) When You're Traveling

Animated Disney Movies
5) Beauty And The Beast
4) Mulan
3) Robin Hood
2) The Emperor's New Groove
1) The Hunchback Of Notre Dame

Animated Sitcoms
5) Clone High
4) Bob's Burgers
3) Futurama
2) Home Movies
1) The Simpsons

Authors
5) Lloyd Alexander
4) Edgar Allen Poe
3) Edward Eager
2) Shirley Jackson
1) Douglas Adams

Bands To See Live
5) Don Juan Y Los Blancos
4) Peeping Tom
3) Fantomas
2) They Might Be Giants
1) Gogol Bordello

Beatles Songs
5) Cry Baby Cry
4) Don't Bother Me
3) Mean Mr. Mustard
2) You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
1) For No One

"Before My Time" Shows
5) Danger Man
4) Monty Python's Flying Circus
3) Columbo
2) The Addams Family
1) The Prisoner

Board Games
5) Clue
4) Mad Magazine Game
3) Past Lives
2) StarCrossed
1) SceneIt

British TV Shows
5) Do Not Adjust Your Set
4) Monty Python's Flying Circus
3) Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
2) The IT Crowd
1) The Prisoner

Children's Chapter Books
5) The Pushcart War by Jean Merrill
4) The Egypt Game by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
3) Harriet The Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
2) The Diamond In The Window by Jane Langton
1) The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

Children's Movies
5) Daffy Duck's Quackbusters
4) Wakko's Wish
3) The Great Muppet Caper
2) Alice In Wonderland (1986)
1) Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

Comedy Movies
5) Arsenic And Old Lace
4) Cecil B. Demented
3) The World Of Henry Orient
2) Cannibal! The Musical
1) Clue

Comic Books
5) The Sensational She Hulk
4) Preacher
3) The New Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln
2) Simpsons Comics
1) Beanworld

Comic Strips
5) Calvin And Hobbes
4) Bloom County
3) Foxtrot
2) Pearls Before Swine
1) Cul De Sac

Cover Songs
5) Closer by Spiralmouth
4) Act Naturally by The Beatles
3) New York City by They Might Be Giants
2) This Guy's In Love With You by Faith No More
1) Sex (I'm A) by Lovage

Directors
5) Wes Craven
4) Alfred Hitchcock
3) Joe Dante
2) Rob Zombie
1) Terry Gilliam

Disney Villains
5) Prince John (Robin Hood)
4) Ratigan (The Great Mouse Detective)
3) Ursula (The Little Mermaid)
2) Shan Yu (Mulan)
1) Frollo (The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)

Documentaires
5) Everyday Sunshine
4) Inside The Labyrinth
3) The Movie Life Of George
2) Kill Your Idols
1) Fuck

Fiction Books
5) Perfume by Patrick Suskind
4) American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
3) Dracula by Bram Stoker
2) The Haunting Of Hill House by Shirley Jackson
1) The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Foreign Movies
5) Tenebrae
4) Suicide Club
3) Forgotten Silver
2) High Tension
1) Run Lola Run

Game Shows
5) Match Game
4) Tic Tac Dough
3) Let's Make A Deal
2) The Price Is Right
1) Jeopardy

Gary Oldman Movies
5) Sid And Nancy
4) Track 29
3) Bram Stoker's Dracula
2) The Fifth Element
1) Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead

Guilty Pleasure Songs And Musicians
5) Runs In The Family by Amanda Palmer
4) The Dresden Dolls
3) My Chemical Romance
2) Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence
1) Lady Gaga

Horror Movies
5) Fright Night
4) A Nightmare On Elm Street
3) The Evil Dead
2) The Cabin In The Woods
1) House Of 1000 Corpses

Knock Knock Jokes
5) You Start
4) Who's There Who
3) Interrupting Cow
2) Patient Cow
1) Come In

Live Action Disney Movies
5) Honey I Shrunk The Kids
4) Freaky Friday
3) Tron
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbit
1) Bedknobs And Broomsticks

Live Action Sitcoms
5) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
4) The IT Crowd
3) Eerie, Indiana
2) Night Court
1) The Addams Family

Mike Patton Bands
5) Lovage
4) Tomahawk
3) Fantomas
2) Faith No More
1) Mr. Bungle

Monty Python Sketches (honorable mention: the entire episode The Cycling Tour)
5) Colin Bomber Harris
4) St. Looney Up The Cream Bun And Jam
3) Blancmanges Playing Tennis
2) Piranha Brothers
1) Four Yorkshiremen

Movie Musicals
5) White Christmas
4) Bugsy Malone
3) Cannibal! The Musical
2) Little Shop Of Horrors
1) Repo! The Genetic Opera

Movies That Were As Good As Or Better Than The Book
5) Who Framed Roger Rabbit
4) American Psycho
3) The World Of Henry Orient
2) Everything Is Illuminated
1) Drive

Movie Trailers
5) 13 Ghosts
4) Repo! The Genetic Opera
3) Psycho
2) High Tension
1) Atlantis: The Lost Empire (still makes me hyped for the movie even though I now know the movie was lousy)

Non-Mike Patton Bands
5) Birdsaw
4) The Beatles
3) Wall Of Voodoo
2) They Might Be Giants
1) Gogol Bordello

Picture Books
5) One Monster After Another by Mercer Mayer
4) John Patrick Norman McHennessey The Boy Who Was Always Late by John Burningham
3) The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch
2) Frog And Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel
1) Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak

Reality Shows
5) America's Next Top Model
4) Man Vs. Food
3) Project Runway
2) Tabatha Takes Over
1) Face Off

Sketch Comedy Shows
5) The Kids In The Hall
4) Do Not Adjust Your Set
3) Kelsey Grammer Presents The Sketch Show
2) Monty Python's Flying Circus
1) Whose Line Is It Anyway

Stage Musicals
5) Chess
4) Into The Woods
3) Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street
2) Barnum
1) Little Shop Of Horrors

Stand Up Comedians
5) Mitch Hedberg
4) Paul F. Tompkins
3) Mike Phirman
2) Eugene Mirman
1) Bill Hicks

TV Theme Songs
5) Blossom
4) Metalocalypse
3) Buffy The Vampire Slayer
2) 21 Jump Street
1) It's Garry Shandling's Show

Video Games
5) The Simpsons Road Rage
4) Tetris Attack
3) Cooking Mama
2) Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo
1) Tetris

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Heartfelt Stuff In Case The World Ends

I mostly don't believe the world is going to end tomorrow. I mostly believe it's just time for the ancient Mayans to buy a new calendar (maybe one of adorable puppies or stills from Twilight?). But I do have to admit that there is a part of me that does buy it when there is some sort of doomsday prophecy. So, in case it is true and the world ends tomorrow (at 5 AM, apparently, but what time zone?) I just wanted to make a list of things I love.

- my family (Mommy, Dad, Bill, Brad, Andy, Nikki, Mokey, Izzy, Zoe, Patty, Tanya, Danielle, Shannon, Ricky, Pam, Robert, Daniel, Grandma, Grandpa... I've never understood families who aren't close)
- my friends (Lauren, Amanda, Ivan, Jenny, Dan, Shelby, Joanna, Rebekah, Kristin, Mike, Noreen, a bunch of other people; I feel kinda bad naming names since I know that guarantees I'll leave people out. The people I did list were the first who came to mind and are my absolute closest, dearest friends without whom I don't know what I'd do)
- my pets (Oscar, Bodie, Tarkus, Flansy, Myow-Myow, Zot, Cruiser, Killer, Trouble, Jaws 2, Reggie The Goldfish, Reggie The Other Goldfish; I love and loved you all. Life without pets is pointless)
- The Simpsons (shaped my life more than any television show should ever shape any person's life)
- The Prisoner (some people wear "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets but I want one that says "What Would Number Six Do?" I joke about his punching and shouting and power eyebrow, but I take that show far more seriously than most people realize. Number Six really is my hero)
- They Might Be Giants
- Gogol Bordello
- the work of Shirley Jackson (Shirley Jackson is my other hero. If I were the type of person who got portrait tattoos, I would get portraits of her and Patrick McGoohan and I am not kidding one bit)
- horror movies (just in general; I've had plenty of obsessions in my life but none has been so consistent, persistent, constant as horror movies and really just horror in general)
- Disneyland (and Disney movies)
- food (it goes so far beyond just a need for sustenance and it's not any of that snooty "foodie" crap. I will try anything at least once and I enjoy all levels of food, from pretentiously fancy to barely edible)
- Beanworld (the most fascinating, inspiring comic book a person could hope to read)
- the music of Mike Patton (that man's voice, oh my god)
- the holiday season (from October through December, the best time of the year)

It's so frustrating because I'm being so vague and I know there's more. There's so much more.
I feel like my worldview has mutated in just the past few months. Not in a bad way, I'm just looking at everything differently than I always had before. I've gained a lot of new understandings and new ways of looking at things but on the other hand there are a lot of things I've become far less tolerant of.
Right now I wish I was having a pot of classy English tea (with milk and no sugar) and calling everyone I know and telling them how much I love them.
I used to be terrified of the apocalypse but not right now. I think if the world does end at five in the morning, I wouldn't mind. At least I'd sleep through it.

Be seeing you. Probably.
-Sally

Minnie Mouse Is An Idiot

My niece has a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse book that she makes me read to her a lot because she's two and repitition is awesome. I hate this book. I shall paraphrase it for you and then explain why I hate it:

"Once upon a time it was a sunny day and Minnie Mouse wanted to have a picnic. So she made a list of all the things she'd need and sent her friends invitations, asking them each to bring a specific thing to her picnic at noon.
Goofy got his invitation at 11:30 and only had half an hour to boil corn on the cob for everybody.
Daisy got her invitation at 11:45 and only had fifteen minutes to make fruit salad for everybody.
Donald got his invitation at 11:50 and only had ten minutes to make lemonade for everybody.
Mickey got his invitation at 12:00 and had to hurry to the store to get hot dogs, buns and condiments for everybody.
Minnie was sad because she thought nobody was going to show up for her party. But it turned out they were all just running late and then they all had a nice picnic. The end."

First of all, if you want to have a picnic on the day you're planning the picnic, use a telephone to invite people. Don't send invitations in the mail because they won't get there in time. Clearly the postal system in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Land runs on magic because in the real world those invitations wouldn't have arrived the day they were sent out.
Worse than that, though, Minnie doesn't do a damn thing! She decides "I want to have a picnic" and then she makes her friends do all the work. At the end of the book, when she thinks no one is coming, she's sitting sad and alone at a table that's empty apart from a vase of flowers. You know what is not at all necessary for a picnic? Decorations. But that's the only thing Minnie contributed, even though the picnic was her idea.
I have no problem with pot luck but pot luck is free form ("We're having a picnic this weekend; everybody please bring a dish.") and the host brings food, too. This is not a scenario that the book demonstrates.
Minnie is a selfish brat. Another way to paraphrase the book is:

"Once upon a time, Minnie Mouse demanded all her friends bring her food. The end."

Fuck that. She'd deserve it if no one showed up to her picnic.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

One Hundred Lovely Famous People

Several years ago I got hooked on watching / arguing with one of those "Top 100" lists VH1 likes to televise. It was called something like VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties and I think I agreed with, like, two people they selected. Ever since then, once or twice a year, I make my own list (fifty men and fifty women) to suit my own opinions. So there.
My stipulations are simple: they have to be famous people but my definition of "famous" is relatively loose. Basically "been on television" is good enough, which is how a few people I wouldn't have heard of if I'd never met them ended up on this list (most quite high up, I might add. ... Though that might just be my sense of loyalty kicking in; I think they're more beautiful because I know them).
Anyway, enjoy!
100)  Cecile De France (actress: Haute Tension)
99) George Harrison (musician: The Beatles)
98) Amanda Palmer (musician: The Dresden Dolls)
97) Joel McHale (comedian: The Soup)
96) Helena Bonham Cater (actress: Lady Jane)
95) Danny Kaye (actor: The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty)
94) Keira Knightley (actress: Domino)
93) Demetri Martin (comedian)
92) Lucy Lawless (actess: Xena Warrior Princess)
91) Austin Pendleton (actor: Skidoo)
90) Zoe Bell (stuntwoman: Grindhouse)
89) Harry Nilsson (musician)
88) Judy Garland (actress: Easter Parade)
87) Brendon Small (musician: Dethklok)
86) Pamela Racine (musician: Gogol Bordello)
85) Johnny Depp (actor: Sleepy Hollow)
84) Yo-Landi Vi$$er (musician: Die Antwoord)
83) Fran Kranz (actor: The Cabin In The Woods)
82)Bettie Page (pop culture icon)
81) Joseph Gordon-Levitt (actor: Brick)
80) Charlize Theron (actress: Arrested Development)
79) Colin Mochrie (comedian: Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
78) Christina Ricci (actress: Cursed)
77) Chris Hardwick (comedian)
76) Cia Soro (musician: Whale)
75) Matt Berry (actor: The IT Crowd)
74) Karen Black (actress: House Of 1000 Corpses)
73) Graham Chapman (actor: Monty Python's Flying Circus)
72) Kate Garner (musician: Haysi Fantayzee)
71) John Lennon (musician: The Beatles)
70) Portia DeGeneres (actress: Arrested Development)
69) Rob Zombie (musician: White Zombie)
68) Ellen DeGeneres (comedian)
67) Aldis Hodge (actor: Leverage)
66) Lady Gaga (musician)
65) Brian Molko (musician: Placebo)
64) Joan Jett (musician: Joan Jett And The Black Hearts)
63) Tom Waits (musician)
62) Nina Hagen (musician)
61) Peter Falk (actor: Columbo)
60) Angela Lansbury (actress: The World Of Henry Orient)
59) Nivek Ogre (musician: Skinny Puppy)
58) Marion Cotillard (actress: Inception)
57) Aurelio Voltaire (musician)
56) Asia Argento (actress: The Stendahl Syndrome)
55) Sergey Ryabtsev (musician: Gogol Bordello)
54) Lyn-Z Way (musician: Mindless Self Indulgence)
53) Wayne Brady (comedian: Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
52) Sarah Brightman (actress: Repo! The Genetic Opera)
51) Michael Nesmith (musician: The Monkees)
50) Nigella Lawson (television personality: Nigella Feasts)
49) Dmitry Sholokhov (clothing designer)
48) Catherine Zeta-Jones (actress: The Phantom)
47) Conan O'Brien (comedian: Conan)
46) Natasha Leggero (comedian)
45) Stan Ridgway (musician: Wall Of Voodoo)
44) Katharine Hepburn (actress: Desk Set)
43) Johnny Galecki (actor: I Know What You Did Last Summer)
42) Jamie Lee Curtis (actress: Halloween)
41) Paul F. Tompkins (comedian)
40) Amy Acker (actress: The Cabin In The Woods)
39) Michael Palin (Monty Python's Flying Circus)
38) Naomie Harris (actress: 28 Days Later)
37) Robert Englund (actor: Nightmare Cafe)
36) Drew Barrymore (actress: The Wedding Singer)
35) Tim Roth (actor: Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead)
34) Marisa Tomei (actress: Oscar)
33) Bill Moseley (actor: House Of 1000 Corpses)
32) Katie-Jane Garside (musician: Queen Adreena)
31) Eugene Mirman (comedian)
30) Jodie Foster (actress: Bugsy Malone)
29) Bill Hicks (comedian)
28) Sigourney Weaver (actress: Ghostbusters)
27) Andrew W.K. (musician)
26) Heather Langenkamp (actress: Wes Craven's New Nightmare)
25) Robert Downey Jr. (actor: Soapdish)
24) Sheri Moon-Zombie (actress: House Of 1000 Corpses)
23) Kurt Cobain (musician: Nirvana)
22) Robin Goldwasser (musician: Mono Puff)
21) Charlie Day (actor: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
20) Glynis Johns (actress: The Court Jester)
19) Vincent D'Onofrio (actor: Happy Accidents)
18) Lili Taylor (actress: The Impostors)
17) Rob Paulsen (actor: Animaniacs)
16) Dita Von Teese (pop culture icon)
15) John Linnell (musician: They Might Be Giants)
14) Madeline Kahn (actress: Clue)
13) John Flansburgh (musician: They Might Be Giants)
12) Elizabeth Sun (musician: Gogol Bordello)
11) Patrick McGoohan (actor: The Prisoner)
10) Cyd Charisse (actress: Brigadoon)
9) Richard Ayoade (actor: The IT Crowd)
8) Carolyn Jones (actress: The Addams Family)
7) Gary Oldman (actor: Track 29)
6) Alisa Burket (musician: She, Her And I)
5) Mike Phirman (comedian)
4) Becky Blanca (musician: Don Juan Y Los Blancos)
3) Mike Patton (musician: Mr. Bungle)
2) Jennifer Charles (musician: Lovage)
1) Eugene Hutz (musician: Gogol Bordello)

Be seeing you.
-Sally