Rebuttal To College Humor's 50 Traumatizing Moments Video

50) Dumbo - Pink Elephants On Parade - Why do so many people think Pink Elephants On Parade was scary? I sincerely, one hundred percent do not understand.
49) Toy Story 2 - Woody yelling "Andy!" - I don't know what's going on here. I only saw Toy Story 2 once and it traumatized me, but only because of that goddamn When She Loved Me song.
48) Fantasia - Night On Bald Mountain - I always liked Night On Bald Mountain. Way more exciting and interesting than some of the other segments in Fantasia.
47) The Princess Bride - fifty years of Westley's life get sucked out - I was never as traumatized by the lifesucking machine as I was distracted by trying to figure out how it worked. There's suckers on his head and chest, and then there's water, and now he's going to die sooner? What?
46) The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe - a lady with a knife - Never saw it.
45) The Lion King - Scar kills Mufasa - Okay, apparently I'm a heartless human being but I am completely unmoved by Mufasa's death. "Our trio's down to two" still makes me cry like a little sissy girl but Scar killing Mufasa, meh. Don't care.
44) The Goonies - the Fratellis attempt to blender Chunk's hand - Yeah, this is absolutely traumatizing. A lot of things in The Goonies are. The implication of a terrifying octopus, One Eyed Willie having bone where his eye socket should be... Gah!
43) Hook - The Boo Box - The Boo Box? Really? Who the hell was traumatized by that? Or anything in Hook, for that matter? (Well, maybe that scene where the little girl was singing. That was awful.)
42) Scruffy - a dog is going to be put to sleep - Never even heard of it.
41) An American Tail - the ocean separates Fievel from his parents - I don't remember being traumatized by anything in An American Tail either.
40) Darby O'Gill And The Little People - the banshee - Never saw it but have been told I should.
39) Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - a bunch of creepy eyes - Don't remember seeing it but have been told I did.
38) Time Bandits - "Don't touch it!" - No. No, no, no. The people who were traumatized by the parents blowing up at the end of Time Bandits are stupid! They were terrible parents and the part where they explode is hilarious! The traumatizing part is when David Warner blows up the dog for no reason. That made me cry so fucking hard. The parents exploding is what cheered me up after the dog being killed.
37) Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation - Daaaaaark Heaaaaaart - Never saw it.
36) The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen - a skeleton with wings thing - I saw Baron Munchausen in the theater and seem to remember really liking it. All I remember about going to see it, though, is walking away from the theater after the movie talking about how good it was.
35) Old Yeller - Tommy Kirk shoots his dog - Never saw it.
34) The Fox And The Hound - the old lady leaves the fox in the forest - Oh, yeah, only one moment in The Fox And The Hound is traumatizing. That entire movie is soul crushing.
33) Air Bud - a little kid leaves the Air Bud in the forest? - Never saw it.
32) Transformers - the death of Optimus Prime - Never saw it when I was a kid so I wasn't upset by Optimus Prime's death so much as I was impressed by the ballsiness of the filmmakers to kill off a beloved character in a kids movie.
31) My Girl - "He needs his glasses." - This is actually the only part of My Girl I've seen. And it is really sad.
30) Toy Story - Woody meets Sid's toys - Oh, yeah, Sid's awesome toys; the only good part of Toy Story. That's really traumatizing. *eyeroll*
29) Matilda - somebody is putting Matilda in a cupboard or something - I didn't see Matilda until I was in high school and I just remember kind of hating it. I don't like Roald Dahl, though.
28) Babe 2: Pig In The City - a pig is drowning? - Never saw it.
27) Dick Tracy - a guy getting cement dumped on him - Never saw it.
26) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - the Childcatcher - Never saw it.
25) Alice In Wonderland, the Through The Looking Glass Half - the Jabberwocky - I was so obsessed with this movie when I was a kid that I don't think anything in it could have frightened me. I always though the Jabberwocky was pretty cool looking.
24) Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest - the toxin monster - Really? I always thought he was awesome.
23) Home Alone 2 - some homeless guy or something? - Never saw it but if that horrible movie from Home Alone that he uses to scare away the pizza guy isn't on this list, then I know it was made by idiots. That was horrifying.
22) Pinocchio - the kid turning into a donkey - I think I saw Pinocchio once and I just remember being bored. Seeing this clip now I could see why it might scare some kids but I don't think I thought enough about the horrific implications of shapeshifting (still don't) to realize that the scene could possibly scare anybody. Especially since it's just show in shadow.
21) Pee Wee's Big Adventure - Large Marge - If I had seen it when I was a kid, yes, that would have scared the bejeezus out of me but the first time I saw Pee Wee's Big Adventure I was in my twenties and was just really disappointed that Large Marge didn't scare me.
20) The Land Before Time - Littlefoot's mom dies - The only thing I remember about seeing The Land Before Time when I was a kid was my brother teasing me and calling me Cera, which really upset me because I hated her, and I cried and my mom got mad and then we weren't allowed to rent The Land Before Time anymore.
19) Follow That Bird - Big Bird is blue and crying - Never saw it, but I was traumatized by a movie about Big Bird going to Japan and his tour bus leaving without him.
18) The Witches - a kid turning into a mouse? - Never saw it.
17) The Wizard Of Oz - the flying monkeys - Why the fuck is everyone so scared of the fucking flying monkeys? I don't fucking understand it. The only scary part in The Wizard Of Oz is the stripey feet curling up under the house.
16) Labyrinth - Dance Magic - Okay, this list was officially made by complete fucking idiots. Dance Magic? Not one person on the planet was frightened by the Dance Magic numbe in Labyrinth. I would have bought Shimmy Down as traumatizing before Dance Magic, and Shimmy Down is possibly the best part of the movie.
15) The Jungle Book (1994) - a guy sinking in quicksand - I think I saw the live action The Jungle Book once but don't remember it. This clip, though, makes me think of the swamps of sadness from The Neverending Story. That was traumatizing.
14) The Dark Crystal - I have no idea what's going on here - Never saw it.
13) Return To Oz - the Wheelies - Those roller skate guys aren't the traumatizing part of Return To Oz. The lady with the hall of heads who wants to steal Dorothy's head is the traumatizing part! She's the reason I haven't gone out and rented that movie again to prove that I'm brave enough to get through it in my old age. I do not want to have to watch that part.
12) Up - Ellie dies - I would accept this if it weren't for two things: 1) Up is not from my childhood. 2) Little kids don't seem to get how heartbreaking that scene is. The second time I went to see Up, the little kid behind me kept asking what was happening and why Carl was sad. He wasn't traumatized, he was confused. His idiot parents hemmed and hawed and refused to tell him what was going on and I was really tempted to just turn around and say "Ellie died." That might have traumatized him.
11) Little Monsters - a monster? - Never saw it.
10) The Adventures of Mark Twain - The Mysterious Stranger - Oh, fuck! Yes! That is fucking terrifying!
9) The Last Unicorn - a skeleton yelling "Unicorn!" - Never saw it. Who would? You can tell from the title it's going to be depressing.
8) The Neverending Story - the swamps of sadness - Aha! I told you! I guess they're not complete idiots after all.
7) Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory - the boat ride - I never had a problem with the boat ride scene. I had a problem with the fact that all the kids who disappear in the movie are fucking dead and the one kid who doesn't die gets mercilessly screamed at pretty much out of nowhere. And people wonder why I'm terrified of Gene Wilder.
6) Watership Down - something with dogs - Not only did I not see it, I don't believe it was supposed to be a kids movie.
5) Who Framed Roger Rabbit - Judge Doom's big reveal - AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGHHHH! *ten minutes of uncontrolled, terrified shrieking* How is this not number one?!?
4) Toy Story 3 - the incinerator - Again, not from my childhood but, yes, it made me cry. Which is impressive considering I hate the Toy Story movies and don't give a shit about these characters outside of this scene.
3) All Dogs Go To Heaven - dragons? - There were dragons in All Dogs Go To Heaven? I must really not remember that movie.
2) Bambi - Bambi's mom gets shot - Ugh, Bambi's mom. The people who made this list have no imaginations. Bambi is boring, having an emotional reaction to Bambi's mom getting shot is a cliche and I am over it.
1) The Brave Little Toaster - a clown says "Run." - And, of course, they end on a moment I don't recognize from a movie I barely remember. Way to be anticlimactic, you fucking idiots.

I could have sworn I was an easily frightened, incredibly sensitive, total crybaby of a little kid. This list video makes me feel like a stone hearted sociopath for how little any of it had any effect on me.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

 

Famous People That I Just Hate

Katy Perry
Jennifer Lawrence
Ben Stiller
Amy Adams
Zooey Deschanel
Bobby Flay
Robert Plant
Sarah Silverman
Tom Cruise
Ellen Page
Diablo Cody
Giada DiLaurentiis
Anne Burrell
Rachael Ray
Kathy Griffin
Michael Cera
Matthew McConaghey
Renee Zellweger
Avril Lavigne
Steve Carrell
Kristin Chenowith
Amanda Seyfried
Christina Aguilera
Denzel Washington
Daniel Craig
Rooney Mara
Ben Affleck
Michael Moore
Jon Heder
Julia Roberts
Barbara Streisand
Halle Berry
Anne Hathaway
Taylor Swift
Josh Groban
Gwen Stefani
Neil Gaiman
Lance Armstrong
Gabby Douglas
Ashton Kutcher
Demi Moore
Cameron Diaz
Nina Garcia
Nigel Barker

There are probably many, many more. If The Office and Paranormal Activity were people, they'd sure as hell be on the list. I considered listing a few people repeatedly (especially Katy Perry, but she was in no way the only one).

Be seeing you,
Sally

Possibly The Best TV Theme Song Of The Past Decade

This song rocks!
The show itself is great, too. It kind of reminds me of Power Rangers in the sense that it's about a team of five people who fight monsters. But it's far sillier, funnier and more entertaining that Power Rangers was (even when I was a kid and at the peak of my Power Rangers fandom).
A few episodes were directed by Matt Chapman of Homestar Runner fame (as far as I know he also writes for the show, but maybe I made that up; he's definitely in a couple of the episodes, though) and the same sort of sense of humor that drove those cartoons drives this show.
Every episode has a fake commercial for a product that I feel like I would have seen advertised in the 1990s (when I was watching a lot of Saturday morning programming): fruit snacks that look like scabs, pine scented mustaches, terrifying ponies, et cetera; every episode also has bitchin' songs by The Aquabats, which makes sense since it's their show. (Doing Science! is a favorite; Burger Rain gets stuck in my head a lot.)
The Aquabats! Super Show! is also the first show I can think of with a group of heroes whose self proclaimed leader is someone I actually like. Unlike the Red Ranger (Power Rangers), Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Blossom (Powerpuff Girls), Commander Stargazer (Silverhawks), Captain America (The Avengers) and so on, who are all cocky jerks who I hate, The MC Bat Commander is so chipper, pompous, dumb and hilarious that I can't help but love him. (I actually have a bit of a crush on him which is strange because I figured if I was going to have a crush on any of them, it would have been Eaglebones.)
Every episode of the show also includes a cartoon which, if you pay attention to them throughout the season, become a brilliant mindscrew which makes me curious how they're going to even have a second season without just completely ignoring the first season.
Which, for this show, actually wouldn't bother me.
At any rate, I'm quite looking forward to season two. Like, will-probably-not-schedule-anything-to-do-when-there's-a-new-episode-airing looking forward to it. The only other shows I feel that way about are Bob's Burgers and Metalocalypse. Good job, The Aquabats! Super Show!
... I wish I still had that mixtape I made in high school with Play Doh on it; it's the only Aquabats song I've ever owned.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

I Should Watch A Movie Or Something

I'm not doing anything productive. Instead I took a bunch of survey type stuff things from various tumblr pages, stole them and am answering them here. Just 'cause.
01:Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. - Single. It's horrible and lonely.
02:Where you’d like to be in 10 years. - Somewhere with real weather, married with kids and writing professionally.
03:Your views on drugs and alcohol. - Can be fun.
04:Your views on religion. - Don't know enough about any religions to have views.
05:A time you thought about ending your own life. - I plead the fifth.
06:Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. - No.
07:Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. - Cancer and yes.
08:A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life. - When I published Sunny Ella.
09:How you hope your future will be like. - Happy.
10:Discuss your first love and first kiss. - That's personal.
11:Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. - Nothing Compares 2 U by Mr. Bungle; Glasgow by They Might Be Giants; Ballad Of A Thin Man by Jamie Saft Trio featuring Mike Patton; Spank Thru by Nirvana; Henry Kissinger by Monty Python; Dead Of Winter by Eels; Fish Heads by Barnes And Barnes; Gitarzan by Ray Stevens; Stadium Rock by The Fags; The Rhythm Thief by Sparks.
12:Bullet your whole day. - Woke up; daily internet grind; bowl of cereal; one year old's birthday party; read a book; more internet stuff; dinner; The Simpsons and Bob's Burgers; insomnia.
13:Somewhere you’d like to move or visit. - Vermont.
14:Your earliest memory. - How should I know? I had no sense of chronology back then.
15:Your favorite tumblrs. - What?
16:Your views on mainstream music. - Some of it is good, a lot of it is not, just like any other kind of music.
17:Your highs and lows of this past year. - Good times with friends and family versus crazy depression.
18:Your beliefs. - Be excellent to each other. Party on dudes.
19:Disrespecting your parents. - Not cool, Zeus. Not cool.
20:How important you think education is. - Depends on the kind of education and the person receiving it.
21:One of your favorite shows. - TV shows? Live concert shows? Help me out here.
22:How have you changed in the past 2 years? - No idea. For the better, I'd hope, but I'm not so sure that's true.
23:Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive. - I'll go you one better, here are six attractive guys:

24:Your favorite movie and what it’s about. - House Of 1000 Corpses is about two idiots and their girlfriends (Leonard Maltin's words) who get abducted by a family of killers.
25:Someone who fascinates you and why. - Eugene Hutz because he is fascinating.
26:What kind of person attracts you. - Intelligent, funny, sincere, nice, dark hair and / or eyes (usually), musical talent, foreign accent preferred.
27:A problem that you have had. - Being me.
28:Something that you miss. - Being a child.
29:Goals for the next 30 days. - Find a job, write more stories.
30:Your highs and lows of this month. - Tomahawk concert (hasn't happened yet, but looking forward to it) and some good times hanging out with friends. Tonight is useless, though.
0 Height - Five feet, six and three quarter inches.
2 Shoe Size  - Nine.
3 Do you Smoke? - Second hand, yes.
4 Do you Drink? - Sometimes.
5 Do you take drugs? - Are you a cop?
6 Age you get mistaken for - My cousin told me I look about twenty three.
7 Have Tattoos? - Nine so far.
8 Want any tattoos? - Several.
9 Got any Piercings? - Just my ears.
10 Want any Piercings? - Not any more.
11 Best friend? - Don't have just one.
12 Relationship status - Single. Fuck you.
13 Biggest turn ons - None of your business.
14 Biggest turn offs - Internet abbreviations.
15 Favorite Movie - House Of 1000 Corpses.
16 I’ll love you if - You deserve it.
17 Someone you miss - Lauren. I haven't heard from her in, like, a month and it's making me sad. I guess I could try calling her again but if she continues to not respond it'll just make me feel worse.
18 Most traumatic experience - Totaling my car.
19 A fact about your personality - Underneath my meek exterior is pure, unadulterated rage. Under that, nothing but love.
20 What I hate most about myself - Myself.
21 What I love most about myself - I have really good taste in music.
22 What I want to be when I get older - Happy.
23 My relationship with my sibling(s) - Good.
24 My relationship with my parent(s) - Good.
25 My idea of a perfect date - One that is fun and goes well.
26 My biggest pet peeves - When people say "I could care less" when they could not care less.
27 A description of the girl/boy I like - I only realized a month or so ago I have these feelings for him; before that I could have sworn I only saw him as a friend. He's made of corn flakes.
28 A description of the person I dislike the most - Katy Perry.
29 A reason I’ve lied to a friend - To spare their feelings, probably. I can't think of a time I've lied to a friend (though that's not to say it's never happened).
30 What I hate the most about work/school - The fact that I have no work to go to right now.
31 What my last text message says - Don't know; I usually delete them.
32 What words upset me the most - "Loser."
33 What words make me feel the best about myself - "Cantankerous." (I just like saying it.)
34 What I find attractive in women - Depends on the woman.
35 What I find attractive in men - Depends on the man.
36 Where I would like to live - Vermont. England. Disneyland Hotel.
37 One of my insecurities - Being Sally.
38 My childhood career choice - I wanted to be a teacher / actress/ waitress/ Miss America. Yeesk.
39 My favorite ice cream flavor - Chocolate Therapy or Phish Food.
40 Who wish I could be - Eugene Hutz's girlfriend.
41 Where I want to be right now - With that dude I like.
42 The last thing I ate - Chocolate caramel walnut cup things from Trader Joes.
43 Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - Eugene Hutz.
44 A random fact about anything - Penguins have an organ above their eyes that turns sea water into fresh water.
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? - I think the last person I texted was Jenny. So, no.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? - I don't have an ex. Incorrect.
3. Have you taken someones virginity? - Nope.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? - It depends.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? - How long ago is "recently"?
6. What are you excited for? - Tomahawk on Tuesday!
7. What happened tonight? - The Simpsons and Bob's Burgers.
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? - I think it's disgusting when anyone gets really wasted because usually vomit is involved.
9. Is confidence cute? - Depends. Is the confidence coupled with arrogance? 'Cause in that case, no.
10. What is the last beverage you had? - Water.
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? - Never counted.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? - Nope.
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? - How should I know?
14. What are you going to spend money on next? - Food, probably. Or Tomahawk merchandise.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? - No. Fuck you.
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? - In some ways, yeah. Everyone will.
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? - Jenny and Amanda.
18. The last time you felt broken? - Right now.
19. Have you had sex today? - No. Fuck you.
20. Are you starting to realize anything? - I have a stupid crush on a stupid boy. It's stupid.
21. Are you in a good mood? - No.
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? - Only if they won't bite me.
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? - Yep. And my mom's.
24. What do you want right this second? - Brownies.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? - Say to whom? I don't know if I'd say anything. I think I'd just be sad.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? - Nope.
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? - Nope.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? - Don't remember. My nieces are pretty hilarious.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? - Quite a few people, actually.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? - To some extent, probably, yeah.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? - No.
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? - No idea. He might. He might have figured it out before I did. But we've never talked about it so how should I know?
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? - Yes. Fizzy drinks hurt.
34. Listening to? - Family Guy.
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? - Nope. I stopped using pencils in fifth grade. They smudge and fade. I hate them.
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? - Somewhere in California.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? - It's never happened to me.
38. Who did you last call? - Don't remember. I don't keep track of that kind of thing.
39. Who was the last person you danced with? - I don't dance with people. I dance alone.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? - It was a situation. These things happen.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? - Earlier today at a baby's birthday party. It looked like Cookie Monster.
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? - Yes.
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? - Simply by existing, yes.
44. Do you tan in the nude? - I don't tan, period.
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? - No.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? - No.
47. Who was the last person to call you? - Don't remember. I don't keep track of that kind of thing.
48. Do you sing in the shower? - Sometimes. Not as often as I sing in the car.
49. Do you dance in the car? - Yes.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? - Yes.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - How the hell should I remember something like that?
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? - Some of them, yeah.
53. Is Christmas stressful? - No.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? - Yes.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? - Razzleberry.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - Teacher / actress / waitress / Miss America. All at the same time. I don't get the young me.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? - Yeah.
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - Sometimes.
59. Take a vitamin daily? - When I remember to, yeah.
60. Wear slippers? - Right this second.
61. Wear a bath robe? - When I get out of the shower.
62. What do you wear to bed? - Pajama pants and a t-shirt. Or boxer shorts and a tank top if it's hot.
63. First concert? - Weird Al Yankovic, I think.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - Yeesk. Target, I guess.
65. Nike or Adidas? - Doc Martens.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? - Fritos.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - Cashews.
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? - Oh jesus christ I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than listen to that famewhore bitchqueen.
69. Ever take dance lessons? - A long time ago. I didn't retain any of it.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - I always develop crushes on musicians but I rather like the idea of being married to, like, an IT guy. From Russia.
71. Can you curl your tongue? - Yes.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? - No.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - Yes.
74. What is your favorite book? - I have several but my gut reaction was to say Life Among The Savages by Shirley Jackson (and its sequel, Raising Demons, is tied with it, so that one, too).
75. Do you study better with or without music? - Without. I can't read if there's music on. I focus on the music instead of the reading.
76. Regularly burn incense? - Never burn incense. It gives me a headache.
77. Ever been in love? - Yes. It wasn't requited. Fuck you.
78. Who would you like to see in concert? - Mr. Bungle.
79. What was the last concert you saw? - Amateur Porn (one of my friend's bands; I don't know if they're keeping that name or not). Going to see Tomahawk on Tuesday!
80. Hot tea or cold tea? - Cold.
81. Tea or coffee? - Either.
82. Favorite type of cookie? - Chocolatey.
83. Can you swim well? - What I do is basically glorified dog paddling but at least I can keep myself from drowning.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - Yes. Who can't?
85. Are you patient? - Usually.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? - Neither. I will pick the music, thank you very much.
87. Ever won a contest? - I think so?
88. Ever have plastic surgery? - Nope, but I would like to get some laser hair removal.
89. Which are better black or green olives? - Black but both are good.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? - I think waiting 'til you're married is a terrible idea; what if you're not sexually compatible? You'd have to know that kind of thing.
91. Best room for a fireplace? - The fireplace room.
92. Do you want to get married? - Yes.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Don't Piss Me Off; I'm All You Have Left

The past several years ... since high school, actually, I've noticed a lot, to most, to 99.999% of people have been taking a "The Simpsons sucks now" stance. I have been defending the show the entire time.
It still makes me laugh out loud, I tell people. And if it were exactly the same now as it was back in its "golden age" you'd all be complaining that it's exactly the same, that it never evolved, that it's stale. So it's good that it's different. But I wouldn't say that it sucks.
But after last week's new episode, Love Is A Many-Splintered Thing, I'm a lot closer to agreeing with the people who have given up on the show.
You see, back in season nineteen there was an episode called Apocalypse Cow where Bart joined the 4H Club, raised a calf and, to keep it from being slaughtered, gave it to one of Cletus's kids, Mary. Cletus and Brandine take the gift as a proposal and try to get Bart and Mary hitched.
Because Mary was played by Zooey Deschanel (who I just do not like but that's a different story that has nothing to do with my complaints about The Simpsons so I won't go into it right now) who since got her own terrible-looking Fox sitcom, it's not a surprise they brought her back as a guest star again because the network owns her or whatever.
In the season twenty four premiere, Moonshine River, Bart is feeling bummed that none of his little kid relationships ever worked out and goes to find Mary, the only girl who still likes him back. Mary has run away to New York and they have a nice reunion until Cletus finds them and tries to take Mary back home. She sneaks away, says a sweet goodbye to Bart and boards a train to go make her own way in the world.
I actually really liked how that episode ended. I liked Mary being determined to move beyond her slack jawed yokel roots and make her own way in the world. She gave Bart hope and a self esteem boost and it was just a cool finale to the character.
Except they brought her back. Not even, like, seasons later when they were running out of ideas. They brought her back eleven episodes later and completely lamed everything up. Mary came back to Springfield all of her own accord so she could be near Bart, with whom she immediately grows disenchanted because he's a ten year old boy. She also spends a lot of the episode being preoccupied with being coupled up, saying things like "I'm a hillbilly girl of twelve; if I'm not married in the next six months I'll be an old maid and nobody'll want me" or something like that.
They took a character that I actually kind of liked despite her unlikeable voice actress and wiped away everything interesting about her, and just turned her back into "one of Cletus's kids." Also, the way the episode ended (she marries a fiery Latino boy but when Bart looks her up on a Facebook knockoff her status changes from married to single and he gets a message from "the widow Mary Spuckler," which makes me feel really bad for the fiery Latino boy) implied that they will probably bring her back yet again.
So they brought back a character I barely remembered, gave a her a decent episode with a graceful and uplifting ending and, rather than leave well enough alone, brought her back again, retconned the nice episode and ruined the whole thing.
Dude! The Simpsons! I am the only person on the planet still defending you! Don't fuck this up and turn me against you, too! Get your shit together!

ADDITIONAL COMPLAINT: I finished this post as this week's new episode was starting. The episode is about Milhouse getting made over to look just like his dad. And, in an odd reversal of South Park's "The Simpsons did it already" rule, Bob's Burgers already did a very similar gag with Gene a few weeks ago. What the hell, you guys? What the hell?

Be seeing you.
-Sally