Why I Don't Watch The Olympics

(Author's Note: This blog post was written in the heat of the moment. Sally stands by what she has to say but is well aware she could have expressed herself more eloquently, probably uses too much profanity and possibly doesn't always know what she's talking about. She doesn't want anybody trying to convince her the Olympics are a good thing because it doesn't matter if they are or not; she is very severly emotionally allergic to the Olympics and should have known better than to watch even a little bit of them.)
When I was a kid I was certain the Olympics were rigged because the United States always won so goddamn fucking many gold medals. How come I never hear about athletes from, like, Ukraine or Chad or Bolivia winning any medals?
I'm not really certain of that anymore but I do still hate the motherfucking Olympics. I'm not competitive enough for it. Or maybe I'm competitive in the wrong way. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is all the emphasis on winning makes me angry and tense and a little bit hyperventilatey.
I watched some swimming and gymnastics with my friend's family tonight and we were barely thirty seconds into the broadcast before I noticed I was almost involuntarily making snarky comments and that I kept tensing my fingers and toes.
I silently rooted for Brazil, Israel, Japan and Poland during the swimming events and was slightly more vocal about my hopes that the Russians would win the gold in gymnastics.
Actually, I was first rooting for the Chinese girl who the announcers barely talked about; they didn't even show her balance beam routine. When it became clear she didn't have enough points to get any medal, I focused all my energy on rooting for the Russians.
And why exactly do the broadcasters still only focus on the United States and Russia? Is it 1986 in here? Are we still in the fucking Cold War? 'Cause I'm pretty sure its 2012 and we're not. So maybe we should focus on everybody who's competing.
Anyway, the gymnastics competition came down to a very close contention for the gold medal between an American chick whose name I forget and and Russian chick whose name I forget. The Russian girl went very last and was only behind by fractions of a point. But she didn't get enough point fractions and ended up winning a silver medal instead. She started crying and the fucking sadists at NBC kept cutting between American Chick's stupid victory face and Russian Chick sitting curled up on a chair by herself, crying into her hands.
Gee, who am I going to feel more for? The dumbass girl who was celebrating her fucking win before all the other competitors had even gone yet (seriously, go back and watch the footage; she and her coach were clearly celebrating the second she finished her routine. I don't think they'd even announced her score yet) or the girl who wanted something more than anything, got insanely close to getting it and then had it ripped away from her at the last second?
And then they keep going back and showing her alone and crying? Fuck those fucking sadistic fuckwads!
My friend's sister kept mocking the Russian girl; "Oh, she's crying because she won silver?" Like the girl is ungrateful or something. I'm sure in retrospect she'll be thrilled to have a silver medal but for a moment she thought she had the gold (and, honestly, so did I (her routine was better than the other girl's) until I remembered they never would have televised it here if the US hadn't won the stupid fucking gold) until the last second, when she didn't. That has to hurt. And I damn near started crying when they kept showing us how sad she was.
Why would they show that? Are we supposed to be happy about that? A girl is miserable and we, the home viewers, are supposed to be fucking cheering that? Because some kid we'll never meet won some fucking hunk of metal that she can wear around her neck and use to make people think she's better than other people and probably use to endorse cereal or a sandwich chain? Big fucking deal! I don't give a shit.
Fuck gold medals! Why do we have to go handing out fucking awards? Why can't we just watch and appreciate the gifts these people have? All of those gymnasts can do amazing things that I will never be able to do, and that would be absolutely fascinating, impressive and beautiful to watch if it weren't for the fact that the whole experience is ruined by people trying to be fucking better than other people and trying to fucking win fucking stupid bullshit prizes.
I hate the Olympics. I fucking hate them. I hate how much emphasis is placed on winning. I hate how much emphasis is placed on the United States winning. I hate sports. I hate contests. I hate how stressed and angry and hate filled the Olympics make me feel. I genuinely have a hard time breathing when I watch them. I get all tense and can't inhale and I keep hoping that someone, anyone, from somewhere that isn't America will swoop in and win everything and leave the US with nothing.
No, fuck that. I want them to do away with the medals all together. As soon as the Olympics stop being a fucking goddamn stupid fucking competition and actually becomes a celebration of the world's greatest athletes being great athletes, I might actually watch it. Maybe.
God I fucking hate the motherfucking goddamn assfuck Olympics! Fuck!
And how come nobody but me seems to notice that Michael Phelps is living proof of evolution? He's clearly a few steps back in the chain. I have never seen a person who looks more like a caveman than Micahel Phelps. I don't care how fucking fast he can swim; he's unattractive and I'm sick of his face.

Be seeing you.
-Sally