The first thing I want to say has nothing to do with anything: I am not a politically minded person. I recognize names of politicians and don't know anything about them beyond the fact that I recognize the names. That being said, I don't like Newt Gingrich because not only is his first name Newt but his surname might as well be Grinch. That is my political commentary for the year.
Now, on to the reason I actually came here: to write an embarrassing post about loneliness that I would regret later if it weren't for the fact that nobody reads this blog.
First of all, almost invariably when I open up to a friend or family member about how I hate the fact that I've never had a boyfriend or any sort of romantic connection to anyone, they respond with "It's not that great." To which I always want to respond "You know what? Fuck you and go to hell!" I don't care if you think it's that great or not, it doesn't change the fact that I'm motherfucking lonely, and whoop de doo for you that you've had someone love you back so that you can take it for granted enough to try and trivialize my feelings.
I'm also sick of people telling me "Oh, you're a late bloomer." No I'm not. I bloomed on time, no one wanted me. Everyone continues to not want me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to fix it because nobody will fucking tell me. (Drag queens tried to, sort of, but while I had a fun time getting that makeover, I'd rather someone love me and not Jezebel Fever.)
I have been in love before, but it's never been reciprocated. The same thing always happens: I fall for guys I'm friends with. Either we're friends first and then I fall for them or I get a crush on them and strike up a friendship that refuses to ever be anything but friendship. Friendship is always where I stay. There's nothing beyond that for me. I'm a friend or I don't exist (hell, even when I'm a friend half the time it's like I don't exist anyway).
There's a song by Descendents called In Love This Way that actually sums up my situation better than I ever could:
"I wonder if I'm more than just a friend; did I really see a fire or just inside my head? Sometimes I know you just want me to go away. It's so hard to be a friend and be in love this way."
This has been happening to me since junior high school and it's a pattern I can't figure out how to break. And it, coupled with the fact that I haven't figured out yet what I want to do with my life, is making it very difficult to see the point in continuing to exist at all.
That sounds far more melodramatic than I meant it to. I'm not contemplating suicide or anything; I'm just frustrated with the rut of aimlessness and loneliness I've gotten myself stuck in.
On the flipside, I'm pretty much the best example to prove all those people who think homosexuality is a choice are wrong: if it were, I would have chosen to be a lesbian a long time ago. I think I'd have better luck with women than with men.
Be seeing you.
-Sally
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