Number Forty Seven Knows The Deadly Secret Behind Tic Tacs

For Christmas my dad gave me two great books: Not Since Carrie: 40 Years Of Broadway Musical Flops by Ken Mandelbaum, which I read a month or two ago, and Patrick McGoohan: Danger Man Or Prisoner? by Roger Langley, which I am reading now (well, not right this second, clearly, but it's the book I've been reading this week).
There's three chapters in the book devoted to The Prisoner and one of those chapters includes an interesting quote from Patrick McGoohan, from the 1967 press screening of The Prisoner:
"It's about a top scientist who has vital space secrets in his head and decides he wants to resign."
You know what that means?
Number Six is not John Drake!!! Take that, everybody who thinks they're the same guy!
I'm not sure why I'm so adamantly againtst that theory; I was against it even before I'd ever watched Danger Man. And when I finally did see Danger Man, I was even more against the theory. John Drake is way too affable to be the same character as the man in The Prisoner.
Also, the Simpsons episode The Computer Wore Menace Shoes supports the theory that Number Six was a scientist, rather than a secret agent, when he says the line "I invented the bottomless peanut bag." Sounds like something a scientist would do.
I will only accept the theory that John Drake is Number Six if it goes on to claim that Number Six is Doctor John Rafferty.
Actually, the story of how Number Six escaped his infinite loop and the watchful eye of The Village and escaped to California where he became a grouchy doctor might be a pretty interesting one. Why don't they make a movie of that?
...Wait. No. Don't. Forget I said anything. If they tried to make it, they'd fuck it up. I saw what they did with that godawful Prisoner remake.
I said it before and I'll say it again: Patrick McGoohan only died so he'd have a grave to roll over in when that remake aired.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

In Which Sally Gets Nostalgic About Mr. Bungle

Okay, lately I’ve been listening to a lot of mid-to-late 1990s music and I don’t really know why. I feel like something must have triggered something in my mind that is making me revert to a certain era in my life in terms of taste in music.
And I believe it’s come to a head today with my first-time-in-years listen to California by Mr. Bungle.
I know exactly what triggered it: my infatuation with Trevor Dunn and reading the Q&A archives on his website where, funnily enough, he avoids most questions pertaining to Mr. Bungle and flat out says repeatedly he’s glad the band is defunct. Which, honestly, I understand. I was not a member of that band, I don’t know what all went on between them but I do know I wouldn’t want to be in a band I formed in high school when I’m 39.
So it’s kind of funny that talk about why it’s good that a band is no longer together would inspire me to go back and really listen to them. But that’s how it goes, I guess.
Mr. Bungle was a huge fucking deal to me in high school. I made my own shirts because I couldn’t afford to buy “real” ones. I missed my one opportunity to see them live because the only person willing to drive me there would only take me if I agreed to take acid with her before the show. I carried the cassette of Mr. Bungle’s first album with me everywhere, even when I knew I wasn’t going to listen to it at all that day.
That tape actually may have had something to do with it, too. I’ve been sort of going through an emotional and physical housecleaning lately and I got rid of a bunch of stuff, including almost all my old cassettes (sadly I don’t have a tape deck anymore). And I put that Mr. Bungle tape in the Goodwill bag. It was there for about an hour but it never made it to Goodwill. Well, the bag made it to Goodwill but that Bungle tape wasn’t in there. It’s been in my purse since that day.
That tape was my totem, my good luck token. If there is any proof to the concept of radiating energies, that tape is it. Whenever I was upset about something the mere act of holding it calmed me and helped me feel a little better (which was good for when I was at school because my natural instinct is to suck my thumb and I got picked on enough for eating paper). Mr. Bungle was my favorite band for a long time and while their first album isn’t my favorite of theirs, that cassette of their first album is as important and sentimental to me as my baby blanket and the Pound Puppy my uncle gave me when I was, like, three so I’d take my medicine so I could get well and be the flower girl at his wedding.
So what is my point? What was I talking about?
Mr. Bungle. Right.
I relistened to California today for the first time in years. I’ve listened to Disco Volante a few times recently and I’m working on a top thirteen favorite albums list for a friend of mine and I was really torn between Mr. Bungle’s last two albums to include on the list. I figured since Disco Volante had gotten a few recent listens I should give California another spin so they’d both be fresh in my mind and I could make a more honest decision.
And about two bars into Retrovertigo I completely broke down. I think based on that song alone, California’s going to have to be the one on the list. Retrovertigo is one of those songs that I put on every mixtape I made for anybody for at least two years. I don’t necessarily know what the lyrics are “supposed” to mean but I know what they mean to me and that song was so incredibly important and moving to me. It got me through tough stuff just as much as thumbsucking and cassette fondling did.
I miss Mr. Bungle. I wish could have seen them live. They are still one of my absolute favorite bands and lately I feel like their music is completely new to me again.



Be seeing you.
-Sally

Self-Claustrophobia (AKA Sally Gets Existential)

I thought of this sentence and almost posted it as a status on Facebook:
"I can run away forever but I'll still always be me."
It sounded way too much like the opening line of a poem by a whiny fifteen year old. So I didn't post it but that genuinely is how I feel.
It's a claustrophobic feeling; the world is huge but I'm trapped in myself; I can't escape this body or (to take it to an even smaller space) my own brain. I'll never get to see everything because I'll always be stuck in my own head.
And you'll always be stuck in your own head.
We're all trapped forever in tiny people-shaped capsules.
Why doesn't that constantly freak out everybody?!? I'm already claustrophobic; being stuck in the small space that is my body does not help.
Hell, even if I could go see the world, I'd still only see it from my point of view. I can't go off and visit, like, Scotland and then decide to take someone else's trip to Scotland, too.
Even if I travel to every country in the world, I'd only do the things it would occur to me to do. Other people visiting foreign countries would have different ideas and different experiences that are just as awesome as whatever I decided to do.
Even if I went with people, we all interpret things our own way. I could go to Scotland with a friend, we could spend the whole trip together and do all the same things, and we'd still each come away with a different experience.
The mere act of existing guarantees you're going to miss out on most of what the world has to offer. That really bothers me.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

Occupying My Time 'Til I Have To Pick Jim Up From The Airport

You know those nasty conversation hearts that people give each other on Valentine's Day because nobody wants to admit that they're not disgusting? ("These candies are chalky and unpleasant!") Well, they've started making a chocolate version. I can't imagine they'll last long because, frankly, speaking as someone who loves chocolate, that's disgusting. I did, however, buy a box, mainly to glue the empty box in a scrapbook to prove to future generations that they did exist.
And, because I have nothing else to do, I am going to list what each heart in the box says before I (most likely) throw them all out without eating a single one. Here goes:

Ask Me
Baby Doll
Cutie Pie
Dream Big
Dream Big
Hey Babe
High Five
High Five
High Five
Hug Me
Let's Kiss
LOML (what the friggedy fuck does that mean?!?)
Love Bug
Love Her
Love Her
Love Him
Love Him
Love Him
Love Me
Love Me
Marry Me (wait, aren't these candies for, like, elementary school kids?)
Miss You
Say Yes
Smile
Soul Mate
Text Me
Text Me
U R A Star

Just ate one. Yep, they're nasty.
And yet, I'm now eating another one. Not because I wanted to but because I'm trying really hard to find a chocolate flavor in there. Other than being beige colored, there's nothing about them that really implicates that they're made of chocolate.
I was planning on watching a movie tonight but I have to pick my friend up from the airport at eleven so I don't think that's going to happen.
It's looking like tomorrow my sister in law's going to shave my head when she gets home from work tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I bought some wigs in case I hate how it looks. I'm mainly doing it out of curiosity; if I don't ever shave my head I'll always wonder what I'd look like with a shaved head. So I may as well give it a try. Especially now, while I'm still technically in my twenties.
A friend of mine turned thirty on Sunday. I'll be turning thirty in July. I kind of want to throw myself a party but I've never had a party so I don't really know how to throw myself a party. Sigh.
I need to rearrange my room because I'm planning on buying a used elliptical this weekend and I need room to put it. I might have to get rid of my comfy chair. Which would be a total bummer. I love this chair. So hopefully I can figure this all out and keep all my chairs and beds and bookcases and still make room for my new exercise machine.
I actually really love ellipticals. They're fun. I figure if I have one in my room I can do it while I'm watching movies and that way my fat ass'll get some exercise while I'm being a couch potato.
I'm watching volume four of Animaniacs and the episode that's on right now, One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock, is pretty freaking depressing. It'd better have a happy ending (or, you know, any humor at all) or I'm going to be really mad.
While I am thrilled that they finally released the final volume on Animaniacs, I'd really like to know why they didn't include the one hour finale episode, Star Warners.
I wish it wasn't an awkward time of night to be rearranging one's room. If nobody else lived in this wing of the house, I'd do it anyway but, like I said, I have to leave soon and I also have young nieces sleeping in the room next door. The sound of moving furniture around might bother them.
What is with me lately? I've been, like, little miss fresh start. I'm trying to change my eating habits, I'm going to buy a piece of heavy duty exercise equipment, I want to shave my head... Maybe the fact that I'm going to turn thirty this year is freaking me out more than I ever thought it would. I always figured getting older wasn't a big deal but maybe on a subconscious level it's messing with my head. If you had asked me ten years ago, I would probably have claimed I'd never I own anything like an elliptical 'cause ... I don't know. 'Cause some reason I would have made up.
By the way, that Animaniacs episode did have a happy ending. And now I'm watching an episode where Dot just went into an angrish rant filled with bleeps. Animaniacs is fucking awesome.
Oh yeah, is anybody else completely stoked that Whose Line Is It Anyway? is coming back?
Okay, this has got to be boring to read. So I'm gonna go. Bye.


Be seeing you.
-Sally

Why I Am Not Looking Forward To The Evil Dead Remake

The Evil Dead is one of my favorite movies and I am very much of the opinion that imperfect movies can be remade ‘til the cows come home but movies of a certain calibre or ones that are just well respected enough should be left to stand on their own. (I do like the Rob Zombie Halloween remake but my life would be just as full without it.)
So needless to say I was skeptical of an Evil Dead remake to begin with. The idea of making the lead a female is, to me, stupid (oooh, a slasher movie with a female protagonist, that’s never been done) and apparently she’s an alcoholic who went out to the woods to sober up or something? I don’t know, it’s not sitting well with me.
Worse than that, it was written (or co-written, I guess) by Diablo Cody. (very large, calming breath so I don’t scream) I hate Diablo Cody. I am basing that solely on Juno, since it’s the only one of her movies I’ve ever seen, but that was enough to make me despise her for life. That movie’s entire script was one long, whiny, desperate plea for people to think she’s cool (“Look, I name dropped the Melvins! I’ve heard of mildly obscure bands! Please like me!”); it may as well have been written by a fourteen year old girl who pretends to listen to punk music because the dude she has a crush on owns a Ramones shirt.
I loathe this woman and she’s been put in charge of a large aspect of the remake of a movie that I felt should not have been remade in the first place. So it started with points against it before it was even cast.
I kept telling myself I’d give it a chance but I have something a lot of other people have, which I’ve always described as “reactiveness” because I don’t know what else to call it. Basically, the more hype or promotion or even word-of-mouth-good-things I hear about a thing, the less I want to hear or see or know anything about that thing. I think humans just have a natural desire to discover stuff for themselves. (The problem is, then they want to share and that causes the people around them to get reactive and not want to be shared with.)
If I had stumbled upon a trailer for the Evil Dead remake on my own, on accident, it might be a different story. But I heard about it well before it started filming and now people all over the internet are posting and talking about the trailer (and making little GIFs of gory special effects shots; where are they even getting those?) and every time I run across one of these things it just makes me more and more angry and skeptical.
Yeah, I admit the makeup they did on New Cheryl looks pretty badass but that’s not enough. My grasp on “I’ll give it a fair chance” was already tenuous thanks to their choice in screenwriter and it slips away more and more each time I run across another post about the movie.
Also, based on the trailer, the only things they really kept from the original are the tree rape (which I’ve read Sam Raimi wishes, in retrospect, that he did not include) and Linda’s “we’re gonna get you” chant (which always annoyed me more than anything else). Things are not looking up.
I sincerely hope I can go into that theater with an open mind and a willingness to accept the Evil Dead remake for what it is. Too bad most things I hope for never actually happen.

Be seeing you.
-Sally

I Have A New Favorite Picture

And here it is:

Mike Patton and Trevor Dunn are not wearing shirts.
Thanks, Tomahawk's Facebook page!!

Be seeing you.
Sally

Rebuttal To College Humor's 50 Traumatizing Moments Video

50) Dumbo - Pink Elephants On Parade - Why do so many people think Pink Elephants On Parade was scary? I sincerely, one hundred percent do not understand.
49) Toy Story 2 - Woody yelling "Andy!" - I don't know what's going on here. I only saw Toy Story 2 once and it traumatized me, but only because of that goddamn When She Loved Me song.
48) Fantasia - Night On Bald Mountain - I always liked Night On Bald Mountain. Way more exciting and interesting than some of the other segments in Fantasia.
47) The Princess Bride - fifty years of Westley's life get sucked out - I was never as traumatized by the lifesucking machine as I was distracted by trying to figure out how it worked. There's suckers on his head and chest, and then there's water, and now he's going to die sooner? What?
46) The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe - a lady with a knife - Never saw it.
45) The Lion King - Scar kills Mufasa - Okay, apparently I'm a heartless human being but I am completely unmoved by Mufasa's death. "Our trio's down to two" still makes me cry like a little sissy girl but Scar killing Mufasa, meh. Don't care.
44) The Goonies - the Fratellis attempt to blender Chunk's hand - Yeah, this is absolutely traumatizing. A lot of things in The Goonies are. The implication of a terrifying octopus, One Eyed Willie having bone where his eye socket should be... Gah!
43) Hook - The Boo Box - The Boo Box? Really? Who the hell was traumatized by that? Or anything in Hook, for that matter? (Well, maybe that scene where the little girl was singing. That was awful.)
42) Scruffy - a dog is going to be put to sleep - Never even heard of it.
41) An American Tail - the ocean separates Fievel from his parents - I don't remember being traumatized by anything in An American Tail either.
40) Darby O'Gill And The Little People - the banshee - Never saw it but have been told I should.
39) Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - a bunch of creepy eyes - Don't remember seeing it but have been told I did.
38) Time Bandits - "Don't touch it!" - No. No, no, no. The people who were traumatized by the parents blowing up at the end of Time Bandits are stupid! They were terrible parents and the part where they explode is hilarious! The traumatizing part is when David Warner blows up the dog for no reason. That made me cry so fucking hard. The parents exploding is what cheered me up after the dog being killed.
37) Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation - Daaaaaark Heaaaaaart - Never saw it.
36) The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen - a skeleton with wings thing - I saw Baron Munchausen in the theater and seem to remember really liking it. All I remember about going to see it, though, is walking away from the theater after the movie talking about how good it was.
35) Old Yeller - Tommy Kirk shoots his dog - Never saw it.
34) The Fox And The Hound - the old lady leaves the fox in the forest - Oh, yeah, only one moment in The Fox And The Hound is traumatizing. That entire movie is soul crushing.
33) Air Bud - a little kid leaves the Air Bud in the forest? - Never saw it.
32) Transformers - the death of Optimus Prime - Never saw it when I was a kid so I wasn't upset by Optimus Prime's death so much as I was impressed by the ballsiness of the filmmakers to kill off a beloved character in a kids movie.
31) My Girl - "He needs his glasses." - This is actually the only part of My Girl I've seen. And it is really sad.
30) Toy Story - Woody meets Sid's toys - Oh, yeah, Sid's awesome toys; the only good part of Toy Story. That's really traumatizing. *eyeroll*
29) Matilda - somebody is putting Matilda in a cupboard or something - I didn't see Matilda until I was in high school and I just remember kind of hating it. I don't like Roald Dahl, though.
28) Babe 2: Pig In The City - a pig is drowning? - Never saw it.
27) Dick Tracy - a guy getting cement dumped on him - Never saw it.
26) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - the Childcatcher - Never saw it.
25) Alice In Wonderland, the Through The Looking Glass Half - the Jabberwocky - I was so obsessed with this movie when I was a kid that I don't think anything in it could have frightened me. I always though the Jabberwocky was pretty cool looking.
24) Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest - the toxin monster - Really? I always thought he was awesome.
23) Home Alone 2 - some homeless guy or something? - Never saw it but if that horrible movie from Home Alone that he uses to scare away the pizza guy isn't on this list, then I know it was made by idiots. That was horrifying.
22) Pinocchio - the kid turning into a donkey - I think I saw Pinocchio once and I just remember being bored. Seeing this clip now I could see why it might scare some kids but I don't think I thought enough about the horrific implications of shapeshifting (still don't) to realize that the scene could possibly scare anybody. Especially since it's just show in shadow.
21) Pee Wee's Big Adventure - Large Marge - If I had seen it when I was a kid, yes, that would have scared the bejeezus out of me but the first time I saw Pee Wee's Big Adventure I was in my twenties and was just really disappointed that Large Marge didn't scare me.
20) The Land Before Time - Littlefoot's mom dies - The only thing I remember about seeing The Land Before Time when I was a kid was my brother teasing me and calling me Cera, which really upset me because I hated her, and I cried and my mom got mad and then we weren't allowed to rent The Land Before Time anymore.
19) Follow That Bird - Big Bird is blue and crying - Never saw it, but I was traumatized by a movie about Big Bird going to Japan and his tour bus leaving without him.
18) The Witches - a kid turning into a mouse? - Never saw it.
17) The Wizard Of Oz - the flying monkeys - Why the fuck is everyone so scared of the fucking flying monkeys? I don't fucking understand it. The only scary part in The Wizard Of Oz is the stripey feet curling up under the house.
16) Labyrinth - Dance Magic - Okay, this list was officially made by complete fucking idiots. Dance Magic? Not one person on the planet was frightened by the Dance Magic numbe in Labyrinth. I would have bought Shimmy Down as traumatizing before Dance Magic, and Shimmy Down is possibly the best part of the movie.
15) The Jungle Book (1994) - a guy sinking in quicksand - I think I saw the live action The Jungle Book once but don't remember it. This clip, though, makes me think of the swamps of sadness from The Neverending Story. That was traumatizing.
14) The Dark Crystal - I have no idea what's going on here - Never saw it.
13) Return To Oz - the Wheelies - Those roller skate guys aren't the traumatizing part of Return To Oz. The lady with the hall of heads who wants to steal Dorothy's head is the traumatizing part! She's the reason I haven't gone out and rented that movie again to prove that I'm brave enough to get through it in my old age. I do not want to have to watch that part.
12) Up - Ellie dies - I would accept this if it weren't for two things: 1) Up is not from my childhood. 2) Little kids don't seem to get how heartbreaking that scene is. The second time I went to see Up, the little kid behind me kept asking what was happening and why Carl was sad. He wasn't traumatized, he was confused. His idiot parents hemmed and hawed and refused to tell him what was going on and I was really tempted to just turn around and say "Ellie died." That might have traumatized him.
11) Little Monsters - a monster? - Never saw it.
10) The Adventures of Mark Twain - The Mysterious Stranger - Oh, fuck! Yes! That is fucking terrifying!
9) The Last Unicorn - a skeleton yelling "Unicorn!" - Never saw it. Who would? You can tell from the title it's going to be depressing.
8) The Neverending Story - the swamps of sadness - Aha! I told you! I guess they're not complete idiots after all.
7) Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory - the boat ride - I never had a problem with the boat ride scene. I had a problem with the fact that all the kids who disappear in the movie are fucking dead and the one kid who doesn't die gets mercilessly screamed at pretty much out of nowhere. And people wonder why I'm terrified of Gene Wilder.
6) Watership Down - something with dogs - Not only did I not see it, I don't believe it was supposed to be a kids movie.
5) Who Framed Roger Rabbit - Judge Doom's big reveal - AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGHHHH! *ten minutes of uncontrolled, terrified shrieking* How is this not number one?!?
4) Toy Story 3 - the incinerator - Again, not from my childhood but, yes, it made me cry. Which is impressive considering I hate the Toy Story movies and don't give a shit about these characters outside of this scene.
3) All Dogs Go To Heaven - dragons? - There were dragons in All Dogs Go To Heaven? I must really not remember that movie.
2) Bambi - Bambi's mom gets shot - Ugh, Bambi's mom. The people who made this list have no imaginations. Bambi is boring, having an emotional reaction to Bambi's mom getting shot is a cliche and I am over it.
1) The Brave Little Toaster - a clown says "Run." - And, of course, they end on a moment I don't recognize from a movie I barely remember. Way to be anticlimactic, you fucking idiots.

I could have sworn I was an easily frightened, incredibly sensitive, total crybaby of a little kid. This list video makes me feel like a stone hearted sociopath for how little any of it had any effect on me.

Be seeing you.
-Sally