Playing any one of these songs when I am in the room is almost one hundred percent guaranteed to reduce me to a sobbing puddle of misery in a matter of seconds.
Baby Mine from Dumbo - If you've ever seen Dumbo, you understand. I have a friend who danced to this song with his mom at his wedding and I had to leave the party for a while. Willingly listening to Baby Mine is something I can't fathom doing.
Fire Island by Fountains Of Wayne - This one isn't so much about the lyrics as it is the notes he uses to sing those lyrics. The song is basically about convincing your parents to go out of town so you and your sibling can throw a house party but the music makes it sound like the saddest thing in the world.
Heaven’s Light from The Hunchback Of Notre Dame - I just teared up at the thought of typing the line from this song that makes me break down. So I'm not going to do that.
Hot Summer Nights (Won’t Last Forever) by The Aquabats - This is a song that's probably supposed to be funny but I took it too seriously and it made me cry so hard that the first time I listened to the album, I didn't hear any of the songs after this one 'cause even when I was no longer crying, I was still too sad to listen. (I skip this song now, have heard the rest of the album many times and it is, in fact, my second favorite Aquabats album.) I'm going to see them live in a little more than a week and I have two huge fears about the show: 1) that somehow I'll miss it and 2) that they'll play this song.
If Elmo Had A Dinosaur from Sesame Street - Elmo Wants A Pet Dinosaur is the saddest episode of Sesame Street I've ever seen (I have never seen Goodbye Mister Hooper, which I assume is the saddest episode of Sesame Street ever made) and this song has a lot to do with it. ... I guess it's not a sad episode so much as it's wistful and melancholy but jeezus kriste I hope I never hear this song again.
It Changes from Snoopy Come Home - Other than that song they whistle while they're traveling, Snoopy Come Home is pretty much an hour and a half of absolute sadness and people abandoning each other. The whole freaking movie makes me cry but this song is the worst part.
I Will Go Sailing No More from Toy Story - I don't like Toy Story. The only parts I like take place at Sid's house and, to be fair, I actually like this scene, when Buzz Lightyear finds out he really is a toy. It's possibly the only genuinely moving scene in the movie and is followed by "I AM MRS. NESBIT!" which I enjoy. So I guess it says a lot about the strength of this song that it can have two strikes against it (it makes me cry and it's part of a movie I actively dislike) and I can still say I like the scene it's used in. I guess it's the right kind of crying.
I Will Wait For You by Connie Francis - Also known as "the song from the end of the dog episode of Futurama."
Marilyn Monroe from Blood Brothers - My friend Amanda burned me a copy of the soundtrack to this show and, much like the first time I listened to that one Aquabats album, I couldn't hear anything after this song because it made me cry so hard. And every time the tears dried, they'd throw a reprise in there.
Maybe from Annie - And speaking of endless reprises of heartbreaking songs, I think they sing this in the movie at least four times. Mister Warbucks's reprise is by far the saddest. Even on a good day, when the first three renditions don't get to me (very rare but I think it's happened), when Albert Finney sings it, I am done. There's no getting through that without weeping.
My Mother from The Chipmunk Adventure - The Chipettes have been given a baby penguin in the desert. He's sick and dying and misses his mom. So, to cheer him up, they sing him possibly the saddest song ever written. That's the opposite of helpful, kids. (They do take him home to his parents and then everything's okay except I think there's an instrumental version of My Mother in that scene.)
Never Knew Your Name by Madness - They played this when I saw them live. And I cried. But luckily I only cried a little so it wasn't too embarrassing.
Nobody’s Problems from Bedknobs And Broomsticks - Apparently this was a song that was cut from the original release of the movie but put back for the ultra-long special edition. It's basically Angela Lansbury singing words that say "I'm glad they'll all be out of my life because I'm an independent witch lady who likes to live alone" and a subtext that says "I am so lonely and I love them all so much."
One More Minute by Weird Al Yankovic - Okay, this one doesn't make me cry every single time anymore like it used to when I was a kid. But it does still get me sometimes. I will never, ever, ever understand what about this song is supposed to be funny.
On My Own from Les Miserables - The character who sings this song, as far as I can tell, exists in the show only to remind me how much unrequited love hurts. (Unrequited love is the only kind I've ever experienced, by the way, so it's not like it takes a lot to remind me.) This song is the pinnacle of that. The chick in the movie fucking kills it. I actually went on Amazon and downloaded the song but I will never listen to it. I just had to have it.
Reflection from Mulan - A perfect anthem for any and all of us who feel like fuckups. I don't think my family's disappointed in me, necessarily, but I sure am.
Sugar And Spice by Madness - The first three times I heard this song I wasn't paying attention and couldn't figure out why I was suddenly in tears. The next time I paid attention and understood why I was crying. Now that I've paid attention to the lyrics, I can't listen to the song at all anymore. I was once halfway through a conversation with my mom and abruptly left the room mid-sentence 'cause this song came on in the background and I started crying.
The Age Of Not Believing from Bedknobs And Broomsticks - Growing up blows. But being somewhere between kid and adult, and being overly concerned with seeming cool, sucks even worse than growing up. And that is the point of this song. And, again, Angela Lansbury has the right voice to make this song insanely effective.
The Best Of Friends from The Fox And The Hound - Is it just me or are most of these songs from Disney movies?
Things That I Remember from Sesame Street - This is also in that Elmo Wants A Pet Dinosaur episode of Sesame Street. I managed to hold it somewhat together through If Elmo Had A Dinosaur, I only mildly sniffed through the song about the kid trying to find his pet Homer at the pound, I think one other thing in between made me feel like the tears might come back and then, right when I thought the coast was clear, Ernie started singing Things That I Remember. Boom! Sobbing mess.
When Love Is Gone from The Muppet Christmas Carol - Whenever I'm watching the movie and this song starts, I leave the room and then promptly cry anyway because I remember how it goes.
When She Loved Me from Toy Story 2 - If you've ever seen Toy Story 2, you understand.
Be seeing you.
-Sally
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