For most of my life I've had a problem with female musicians, and lately that problem has turned into a full on war in my head over one woman in particular.
First, some back story: I can't think of a single female musician I'm a fan of who I don't want to punch in the throat. I don't know why, but the women who make music that appeals to me tend to have, at least in the interviews I read, personalities that make me tense, angry and verbally violent.
It actually makes me worry about my own aspirations; if I become a musician will I end up hating me? Will my outward personality turn into one similar to those of the women I find repellant?
I'm only really talking frontwomen here; I have no problems with Lyn-Z or Kitty from Mindless Self Indulgence, or Pamela and Elizabeth from Gogol Bordello (hell, Elizabeth gave me a setlist so as far as I'm concerned she's my best friend I've never spoken to).
Looking at my music collection, I don't have a lot of albums by women, probably because when I find out how much I dislike these chicks as people (or at least as the personas they put forth), I like their music less and get rid of their albums. From where I'm sitting, I can see Hole (sure, she got to marry Kurt Cobain, but Courtney Love seems quite abrasive), Lady Gaga (come on, the woman is pretention personified), Tori Amos (oh, no, wait, she's pretention personified) and The Dresden Dolls (I'll get to her in a second), and that's it.
And The Dresden Dolls is where the inspiration for this post comes from.
When I first heard their music, I tried incredibly hard to make a conscious effort to not read anything about the band, not read any interviews with Amanda Palmer. I really, really liked their music and didn't want them tarnished by my aversion to female musicians.
But I failed. I picked up a magazine featuring an interview and ever since then I've hated myself for liking this band.
I'm going to say right now that I think a lot of the problem lies with my frustration that I'm not a professional musician with enviable fashion sense (something that Courtney Love, Lady Gaga, Tori Amos and Amanda Palmer all are). On one level, these negative reactions are pure jealousy.
On an entirely different level, however, Amanda Palmer strikes me as the most arrogant, self involved, in love with herself twat on the motherfucking planet. Her music claims low self esteem, but the woman claims her middle name is "Fucking," thus turning her name into an exclamation proclaiming her own greatness. I can't respect a person who's that goddamn self centered. Why should I?
I don't remember a lot of specifics about the interview I read, but I do remember she came off as pretentious and arrogant; she seemed so repellant I couldn't bring myself to finish reading the article. And now every time I hear her name I get tense and am filled with the desire to break something.
But there's a small part of me that kinda loves her. Part of it is the fact that she never wears pants (although I am mostly heterosexual, I am intensely fascinated by women's legs), part of it is that she's friends with Voltaire (at the very least, she sings the female half of one of my favorite of his songs), part of it is that I still really, really like her music.
I mean, Runs In The Family is one of the awesomest songs ever written:
But that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand the thought of her.
Part of me wants desperately for something to happen that'll redeem her in my eyes (I think this is the part of me that knows she's a friend of friends and wants to like her because they do) but the rest of me can't get past that self aggrandizing attitude she's painted herself with.
And the fact that her fans (at least the ones I'm friends with on Facebook) build her up to deity-like proportions make me hate her all the more.
Seriously, she's already completely in love with herself, she doesn't need our help.
Be seeing you.
-Sally
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